Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
