woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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