i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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