and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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