Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
