Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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