I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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