I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
