I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
