We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
