Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
