just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
