but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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