I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize