P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
