How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
