but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
