I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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