Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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