You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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