hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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