I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
