I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
