Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
