I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
