we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
