Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
