he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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