I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
