winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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