my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
