Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
