Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
