I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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