And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
