So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
