Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize