Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
