I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
