she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
