My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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