I'm lost and stupid without you.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I AM VODKA MAN
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
