Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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