The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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