you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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