We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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