she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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