is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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