When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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