she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
