just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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