put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just want nice things and good sex
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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