i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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