new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
