i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
