Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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