I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i believe in u and ur pee
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
