im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
