I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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