I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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