Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
