I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
