why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
